A bit of humour

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

I was once asked to compile a "report on team morale broken down by age and sex".

Mai-Be-Yu? :D

Edited By Neil Wyatt on 28/09/2017 09:33:20

Lying naked spreadeagled on my bed, covered in custard and handcuffed to a goat, I suddenly thought: "I'm turning into my father."

Nice one Brian

H

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman have you got any bread.We don't sell bread hear clear off says the barman.The duck wadles about the pub and comes back and asks have you got any bread.Clear off I've told you before we don't sell bread .The duck wadles around for a bit and comes back and asks have you got any bread.The barman blows his top,if you say that once more I'll nail your beak to the bar .The duck wadles off and returns again and asks have you got any nails,the barman replys no ,well have you got any bread says the duck.

Frank

Many years ago at a job interview I was asked to briefly describe myself. I answered "Concise".

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron."

"Are you sure?" was the reply.

"Yes, I'm positive."

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with his mate so the bloke grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed his mate to death.

Missus looked at him and said "Keep that up and one day you're going to run out of mates"

* Danny M *

I remember this one as being amusing when i first heard it, still makes me smile....

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, ”Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from amazon.

I'll let you know......

Q: How do you tell the difference between an extrovert software engineer and an introvert software engineer?

A: The extrovert software engineer looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

.

I need to make a crankshaft.

• Heisenberg might have been here.
• Whenever I see a double entendre I whip it out
• 17 million Lemmings can't be wrong

Ah, Heisenberg ...

He was driving down the autobahn one day when a cop pulled him over.

The cop leaned in his window and said "Sir, do you know what speed you were doing".

To which Heisenberg replied "No, but I know where I am".

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please.

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

A 2 seater aircraft has crashed into a cemetry, a Police spokesman said this is a tragic incident and so far 300 bodies have been recovered.

Mick

I did particularly like the Duck one  🐓

Mick

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undetered, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
'Ryanair'.