2021 Christmas Cracker-ish humour

I must start the ball rolling, with this :

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently.

They just kept bragging about how good they are at the game.

… There’s nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

.

MichaelG.

A photon checks himself in at a hotel reception

"Have you any luggage sir?"

"No, I'm travelling light"

Hi, why did Good Friday fall on a Saturday once?

Because that's the day he was racing in when he fell.

Regards Nick.

From the Chester Zoo prog:

How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Santa's not coming this year, he failed the Lateral Flue Test

Q: What's round and sounds like a trumpet?

A: A crumpet!

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One turns to other and says , " Does this taste funny to you "?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled…cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"
What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
What do you call bears with no ears? B–
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…
Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You're looking sharp.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't really care.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

What do you call a man who has a bird of prey on each shoulder and vacuums the house at night.

Hawk kestrel man hoovers in the dark

(say it fast)